The Relatable Struggle
Ever feel like your teenager has suddenly become a stranger?
One minute, they’re telling you everything and the next, it’s one-word answers and closed doors.
Recently, I realized one of my kids was officially entering the stage many parents dread. We were in the car, and I asked a simple, well-intentioned question: "How was your day?" My son paused to reflect, then responded with wisdom beyond his years and a follow up question.
Not really, but that would have been pretty cool. Actually, the response was a deep sigh, a shrug, and what seemed to require maximum effort just to utter, “Fine.”
That was it. No details, no excitement. Just "fine."
It hit me like a brick. Where did my oftentimes chatty, animated kid go? I almost took it personally until I remembered, most everyone does the same thing at their age. Teens aren’t trying to push us away to be cruel, they’re just figuring out life in real-time. And our job? To adjust how we stay connected.
Teens are wired to pull away as they figure out who they are. That doesn’t mean they don’t need you. In fact, they need you more than ever, just in a different way.
The Science of Teenage Independence
Our teen’s brains are under construction. Their brains aren’t fully developed until their mid-20s. In the meantime, emotions are pulling the strings behind the scenes.
When my middle was 14, I remember watching her interact with her friends at a school event. She was cracking jokes, animated, and fully engaged. On the way home I asked how the night went. You guessed it: ‘fine’.
It was like watching two different people. The vibrant, social version of her in public and the quieter, more reserved version at home. I realized my kid wasn’t losing her personality. She was just learning how to balance different sides of herself. And at home? She needed a space where she could just exist without the pressure to perform.
Their testing of limits isn’t rebellion, it’s learning. Every pushback is them trying to figure out where they stand.
They’re still kids. Even if they act like they don’t need guidance, they’re still looking to us for cues.
The Mindset Shift for Parents: Grace & Growth
Less Control, More Coaching: You can’t force connection, but you can create an environment where they feel safe to open up.
Ask Before You Advise: No one likes being lectured. Lead with curiosity instead of corrections.
Grace Over Frustration: Their job is to push boundaries. Ours is to hold steady with love.
How to Actually Talk to Your Teen (and reduce the eye rolls)
Stop Interrogating, Start Engaging:
"How was school?" (you can do better)
"What was the best or worst part of your day?" (better)
Use ‘Drive Time’:
Teens are more likely to open up when they don’t have to make eye contact. Try car rides, walking, or shooting hoops.
Not long ago, I had one of those accidental parenting wins. I had just about given up on conversation with my son but decided to turn on one of his favorite artists.
About halfway through the song, he asked if I actually “got this”.
Me, being completely honest, “Nope, but I’m trying to figure out why you do.”
That cracked the door open. He started explaining the lyrics, the meaning, the whole backstory of the artist. That five-minute moment led to a 30-minute conversation about life, music, and how much meaning teens put into things that adults often brush past.
Validate Before You Redirect:
“That’s ridiculous.” (not your best)
“That sounds tough. I’m curious…” (better)
Keep It Short:
If they’re tuning out, don’t force it. Drop a wisdom nugget and give them some space and time.
I was watching a football game with my son when he said, “You know, adults always want us to talk, but they don’t realize half the time we just need to think.”
I asked him what he meant, and he explained that sometimes parents try so hard to get answers that they don’t give kids time to process.
That conversation made me reflect and update how I approach talking with my kids. Instead of forcing discussions, I’ve started planting little seeds, quick thoughts, observations, things for them to think about and revisit.
When Your Teen Says This… Do This
Teen: "Why do you always have to ask so many questions?"
Do: Give them space.
Try: "Fair enough. I just like knowing what’s going on in your world. No pressure."
Teen: "Ugh, you don’t understand anything."
Do: Stay calm.
Try: "You’re probably right. Maybe I don’t, but I’d love to. Want to help me get it?"
Teen: "Leave me alone."
Do: Respect their need for space.
Try: "Alright, I’m here when you want to talk." Then, follow through by being present, not pushy.
Teen: "You’re being so unfair!"
Do: Hold your boundary without escalating.
Try: "I hear you. You don’t like this decision.” (and then stop talking…less is oftentimes more)
Conversation Starters To Try This Week
"What’s something adults just don’t understand about being a teenager today?"
"If you had to give me parenting advice, what would it be?"
"What’s a topic you wish people your age could talk about more openly?"
"What’s a song, movie, or show that really gets what it’s like to be a teen?"
Final Thought:
Just last week I was in the kitchen, half-listening to my son talk to a friend on the phone. He was giving good advice, the kind I’ve always strived to impart.
I chuckled. For any time I perceived the messages weren’t connecting the way I had desired, there he was, passing it along like it was his own.
That moment reminded me: our words don’t disappear. Our kids are absorbing more than we realize.
Talking to teens isn’t about prying, it’s about presence. Keep showing up, keep speaking life, keep being the steady voice in the background. Because one day, when you least expect it, you’ll hear your words coming right back to you.
I wish you a great week.
Cheers.
Will
PS: If you’d like more on this topic, you can listen to my podcast on Spotify and Apple.